Feelings Mean I'm Sober!
by Aces n Eights
Summary: This is a Karen centered fic about why she drinks and takes all of those pills! Futher summary inside! R&R! rated M just in case!
1. Hangovers Only Hurt in the Morning!

**"Feelings Mean I'm Sober!"**

_Summary: Karen based/cantered fic. Karen's past may contain the reason of why she is the way she is. It may hold the clues to her secrets? And it could answer the questions of why she pops so many pills, why she drinks so much and why she has so many botox injections. What are these secrets of hers? What is her past? Will anyone save her from self destruction?_

**A/N: **This is my first Will&Grace ff! Please be kind! Hope you all like it... i do! lol! Karen and Jack are my favourite characters because they're so silly but i thought i'd write a fan fiction with Karen being the main one (coz she's 1 of the most interesting and coz i love her!) and about her life coz it seems so hard.

**Chapter 1!** –**Hang Overs Only Hurt In The Morning!**

An empty bottle of vodka stood tall next to the empty martini glass that had once held its contents drink after drink but now held only a toothpick pieced through an olive.

A woman lay on the couch; she had drunk herself to the state of losing consciousness. But this wasn't the first time she had done such a thing, no. She was a pro; an expert at holding her liquor which is why it was no surprise that one bottle hadn't been enough. No the bottle on the glass table top was one in a long line of bottles that had once held alcohol only the day before. All of which had helped the woman fall into a dark and dreamless sleep.

The woman stirred in her sleep and opened her eyes. She sat up and looked around squinting at the newfound light. Which was extremely bright and almost blinding compared to the blackness of her mind from her last 'nap'. She groaned and put her hand to her head, the room was spinning and she felt ill, flopping back down onto the couch she closed her eyes and tried to stop the spinning and fall back to sleep.

The mahogany wood double doors burst open and a short, stocky, Hispanic looking woman wearing a maid's uniform and ski jack came in pulling a cleaning cart behind her. She surveyed the room, noticing the empty bottles on the floor and the one on the table she knew what must have happened.

_'Gotten drunk again and passed out probably.'_ She thought. Then looking over to the couch she noticed the woman on the couch.

"Miss Karen." She called softly. There was no response so the woman moved closer.

"Miss Karen." She called again. Still no answer. The maid sedged closer again.

"Miss Karen." She repeated louder this time.

The woman, now known as _'Miss Karen'_, groaned and waved her hand at the other woman.

"Rosey go away. I'm busy." She moaned. 'Rosey' walked over to Karen, not having had a very good start to the day was not ready to but up with Karen intoxicated in the room she was supposed to be cleaning because Karen would yell at her when she regain her remaining brain cells. She reached down and pulled at Karen. Karen struggled away, pulling herself out of Rosey's grip she yelled.

"Get off me!" Rosey threw her hands up in the air in defeat and then put them on her hips.

"Get up you drunken witch! Get up!" Rosey yelled. Karen sat up, the pain in her head was worse than ever with all this yelling. She felt like her head was being spilt in two and she wasn't in the mood to be ordered around by her maid.

"Rosario I am up and my God you better bring me three of my hangover cures in the next five minutes because … because if you don't I swear you will be on a boat with some chickens going back to where ever the hell you came from so fast you won't even be able to say enchiladas!" Karen screamed. Rosario knew when not to piss Karen off and this was one of those times.

"Yes Miss Karen But I have to clean the room." Rosario protested.

"No you don't… I'm letting you off just this once." Karen said.

"Thank-you Miss Karen." Rosario said. Fearing she would be known as soft Karen quickly covered for herself.

"But remember mess with me again and you'll be on the boat." She said.

"Yes Miss Karen." Rosario said.

"Now where's by hangover cures?" Karen demanded. Rosario sighed and walked to the door.

"Drunken witch." She muttered under her breath as she left the room, taking the cleaning cart with her and shutting the door leaving Karen alone again. Karen sighed and made her way over to her wardrobe. She changed out of the tight, black, custom made suit and slipped into a pair of comfortable pyjamas and a white, fluffy bath robe.

A minute or two later Rosario returned with a bottle of Jack Daniels, vodka and some bourbon.

"Here you go Miss Karen." She said handing her the bottles.

"Thank-you Rosey now leave me alone." Karen said and Rosario did so.

Karen stared at the three bottles in front of her.

_'Choices, choices, choices! All the wonderful choices.'_ She thought to herself. _'Who shall it be this time boys?' _She reached out for the vodka but stopped mid air. She glanced around the room; most of the bottles were vodka with a couple of wine bottles and a champagne bottle or two thrown in. She pulled her hand back and continued staring. She reached out and grabbed the Jack Daniels.

_'Well then Jack it's you and me for now.'_ She thought. Karen laughed. _'Jack... remindes me of my Jackie! Because youboth always make me feel better and i'll always chose you first!'_Shethen unscrewed the cap and took a big gulp. Karen sat down on her bed and took a few more gulps before muttering to herself.

"I hate the silence."

She stood up and walked over to the stereo. She looked through her collection of CD's before smiling. She pulled one out from the rows and inserted the CD. She then found the right track and press the 'play' button. She then walked back to the bed as the starting notes of 'Take Lots With Alcohol' by Alkaline Trio played.

**Hello what the hell am I doin' here  
That's a really nice suit  
This is a really comfortable chair  
See I don't know if you can help me or not  
Cause I don't feel sick  
But the pains in my head have almost put me  
Underground**

**I don't really care if I'm healthy or not  
Just clean my head up doc  
I'll give you anything you want  
See I don't know why I don't fall in love  
Well maybe I know why and maybe you could make it stop  
Then we'll cut it up and bury it and leave it  
Underground  
**

Karen dropped the empty bottle of Jack Daniels to her side and grabbed blindly at the vodka, she managed to get the top up and guzzled most of the contents.

**And I'll take to wishing and fall under  
Sleeping safe and sound  
Just give me medicine prescribe me anything  
Just knock me out and walk me through the door  
I have no desire to see through my own eyes anymore  
**

**Hello what the hell are you doing here  
You made a really strange face  
This is a really uncomfortable air  
I see I'm boring you, maybe I bore myself too  
That's why I need help, I'm cleaning blood off dusty shelves  
**

With the bottle a Jack Daniels empty at her side Karen gulped the last mouthfuls of the vodka and grabbed the bourbon.

**I been cut up in this room so many times it might take days  
And those stress cracks in the wood  
How nicely they soak up the stains  
Been telling myself these jokes for so long well so long  
I'm a has been who is heckled on the stage**

Karen pulled herself up off the floor and made her way to the bathroom. Some days she thought about quitting, quitting all the booze and pills. On those days she almost forgets why she does it all. But then she looks in the mirror. Karen stared at her reflection in the mirror; she grimaced in disgust at what she saw. She reminded herself of the past and what she used to be. But when she was drunk or on a high she couldn't feel anything. That was a good thing; she could look in the mirror then and not feel the pain, anger, hurt or rejection. When she was wasted she couldn't feel anything and if she couldn't feel anything she couldn't relive the memories of the past that haunts her. Karen stared at her reflection and guzzled more of the bourbon in her hand.

Yes Karen Walker was afraid to feel and Karen Walker was even more afraid to remember.

**A/N: **i think i may have inadvertanly killed Karen with the amount of alcohol but she does drink a lot. Just ignore it please!

Hope you liked it!

REVIEW!

hearts hugs kisses and love!

JESSA!

xoxoxo!


	2. Take Another Pill You KNow You Will!

**Chapter 2! Take Another Pill You Know You Will!**

Karen hadn't gone to work for two days. For most people there boss would have called to check on them but no. Karen had done this too many times before for Grace to worry. It wasn't that Grace didn't care it was that whenever she rang Karen wasn't up to callers. Grace didn't think Karen would be coming into today so when she did wander in wearing a tight red sweater and fitted black pants Grace was surprised.

"Karen? You're here?" she said stunned. Karen looked at her, taking in her outfit.

"Yes, I am. And I'm now regretting it." She said giving Grace a look. "Honey… ruffles? No, no, no honey. And the shoes?" she said shaking her head.

"What's wrong with my shoes?" Grace asked looking down at her feet.

"Honey when the Mayflower sets off again you'll be the first to know. Until then no buckles on your shoes or your hats... in fact no buckles for you at all." Karen said. Grace sighed. Then the phone rang. Karen picked up her nail file and began to file her nails, as if she was oblivious to the phone ringing. Grace answered.

"Is this Jimmy's Take Out?" the caller asked.

"Wrong number." She said hanging up.

"Thank God honey that noise was annoying." Karen said. Grace gave her a look which Karen ignored. She opened a drawer and pulled out a spice rack that instead of bottle of spice held bottle of pills. Grace starred at Karen. The phone rang again which Grace answered.

"Jimmy's Take Out?" the person asked.

"Look I'm sorry you have the wrong number." She said and hanged up the phone still starring at Karen. Karen, who was unaware she was begin watched by Grace, starred at the bottles of pills.

"Karen what are you doing?" Grace asked.

"What do you mean honey?" Karen asked looking up.

"With all those pills. What are you doing?" Grace asked.

"I'm trying to choose." Karen explained she turned back to her selection of pills. Grace came over and looked at the pills to.

"Karen all most all of these are prescription pills. How did you get them? No doctor would give you all of these." Grace said.

"No one doctor would but five doctors would. As long as they don't know about the other docs." Karen said. She looked back down at the pills.

"Karen!" Grace exclaimed.

"Yes honey?" Karen asked.

"You can't keep doing this to yourself. Don't you know it could kill you?" Grace asked.

"Oh honey, you're sweet to care but don't. You know very well the only thing that can kill me is a stake through the heart." Karen said. She was uncomfortable with Grace asking all of those questions and hoped by making a joke of it Grace would stop asking.

'Why does Grace care all of a sudden?' she thought bitterly. 'It's not like she's never seen me take all these pills before. Why does she have to stick her big nose in now?'

"Karen I'm serious." Grace said.

"God Grace why do you care now? You never have before so don't now!" Karen said as she sallowed a handful of different coloured pills she had poured into her hand from each of the different bottles. She took a huge gulp of vodka.

"Karen I'm your friend. I care about you." Grace said. Karen stood up and grabbed her bag.

"Well don't." she said leaving. Grace starred after her in shock. Karen had driver drop her back at her mansion, walking in she was surprised not to hear the step brats but then realised it was a school day. Stan was at work as usual so she was all alone... unless you count the help which Karen of course didn't.

"Hello Miss Karen. You're home early." A maid Karen didn't recognise said. But then Karen not recognising the maid was nothing knew, she barely knew Rosario, Grace, Will and Jack at times.

"No one disturb me. I'll be in my wing." Karen said.

"Are you sure?" the maid asked. Ignoring the maid Karen walked passed her bar and grabbed a bottle of vodka from it, she then walked up the stairs and into her bathroom. Karen starred at herself in the mirror and shuddered. She opened the large cabinet behind the oversized mirror. Bottles and bottles of pills stood in neat little rows. Grabbing one Karen took the top off and poured out three of the little green pills inside. She put them in her mouth and washed them down with vodka. Continuing down the rows of pills she sallowed them quickly until she felt dizzy. The world was spinning, Karen stumbled out of the bathroom and into her bedroom before she made it to the bed however she passed out on the floor landing with a 'thud'. Karen lay on the cream coloured carpet oblivious to the world for the next few hours as she was in a drugged haze of unconsciousness. When the fog lifted Karen opened her eyes, it was morning, she sat up. Her head was still pounding from the day before, her memories flooded back to her.

'Why did I say that to Grace? She just wanted to help.' Karen thought. 'But I don't need her help. I don't need anyone's help… do I?'

Her thoughts scared her. Of course she didn't need help. She was Karen Walker someone who looked down on others with no pity, she would hate to have people look don on her… and with pity would be even worse. She was better than everyone and should be envied and admired not pitied or felt sorry for. Shaking the unwanted thoughts out of her head Karen got up of the floor and into the bathroom. She smiled when she saw the vodka waiting for her. Picking it up she skulled almost half the liquid left inside. She searched the rows of pills for a bottle in particular. She found it in the bottom row on the far left. Karen reached out and grabbed it, popping the cap off she looked inside.

"Damn it!" she cursed to herself. "Only two left." She poured the two remaining pills into her mouth and swallowed some vodka with them.

'I think I need to pay a trip to Pharmacist and Back-Up Pharmacist today. I need to restock.' Karen thought as she walked out of the room. She got dressed and did her hair and make-up. After having her liquid breakfast she called for Driver to come and pick her up. It would take him a good ten minutes to get to the house from the other side of the grounds. Karen starred at herself in the mirror.

'Ready to face another day.' She thought smiling but it was a hollow smile. Just like everything about.

Karen Walker was a hollow shell of a woman and worst of all… she knew it.

-

Hi guys!

Hope you liked it! Please review!

Sorry it took so long! It was a bit of everything that stopped me from updating sooner! My computer crashed, I had to rewrite the chapter (I had the next five done but now they're barely there at all) and then I got really busy!

I'll try and update sooner!

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY ON WENSDAY THE 3RD!

YAY FOR ME!

hearts hugs kisses and love!

JESSA!

xoxoxox


	3. Warning Signs Mean Something's Wrong!

**Chapter 3! Waring Signs Mean Something's Wrong!**

Grace had finished work without Karen at the office. After locking up she went home to her apartment. Her roommate Will was sitting on the couch reading a book. He looked up as she entered.

"Hey Gracie. How was work?" he asked putting his book down. Grace sighed. She had been debating with herself the entire way home wether or not to ask Will about Karen. Maybe she was just imagining it all.

'After all if Karen was in danger we would know right? If she wasn't supposed to take so many pills and drink so much alcohol she wouldn't be able to.' Grace had reasoned with herself.

"It was fine." She said putting her coat over a chair and her bag on the table.

"Come on Gracie. Talk to me. I feel like we haven't talked in ages." Will said getting up and walking over to her.

"Well Karen left early today."

"Ah it's a Cruella problem is it? Why is Karen leaving early have anything to do with you having a bad day? You would have gotten all your work done… isn't that a good thing?" Will asked.

"We had a fight." Grace said.

"I did tell you not to wear the pilgrim shoes now didn't I?" Will joked.

"Will I'm trying to be serious!" Grace said. Will starred at her.

"Ok talk. What happened?"

"Have you ever noticed how many pills she takes? And how much she drinks?" Grace asked.

"Gracie this is Karen. She's built up immunity to it." Will said.

"Today at work she pulled out this thing… you know those racks you're supposed to put bottles of spice in?" Grace asked.

"Spice racks?"

"Yeah those things."

"I'm familiar with the apparatus."

"Well instead of spice Karen had bottles of pills."

"And?"

"They were all perscripted."

"So?"

"They were all different… ones to make you sleep, ones to wake you up, ones for hallucinations, ones for multiple personalities, they were for all different things and they conflicted each other. It doesn't fit Will." Grace explained.

"No doctor would prescribe all of those to one patient." Will said.

"That's what I said." Grace said.

"Then what happened?"

"Well when I saw her take out the spice rack I asked her what was going on." Grace said. "She asked what I meant and I said the pills… what are you doing. And she tells me she's trying to chose."

"And then what did you do?"

"Well I went over and that's when I saw they were prescription and I asked her how she got them all… I told her one doctor wouldn't prescribe them all for her and she tells me one doctor wouldn't but five would if they didn't know about the others." Grace explained.

"Did she take any of the pills?"

"Yeah. She took a handful or two while we were talking and washed them down with vodka. I told her she couldn't keep doing this to herself… I said she could really hurt herself… I said she might even kill herself."

"And how did Karen reply?"

"She told me I was sweet to care but I shouldn't… the only way to kill her was with a wooden stake through her heart."

"That is true." Will said trying to lighten up the mood.

"Will! It's not funny… I'm really worried." Grace exclaimed.

"I'm sorry Grace but this is Karen we're talking about." Will said. "What happened next?"

"I said I was serious… I asked her to talk to me."

"Did she?"

"No she asked me why I cared now, she said I never had before so I shouldn't care now."

"Why do you care now?" Will asked.

"Well I'm her friend, I care about her and I told her that and she yelled at me well then don't, swallowed another handful of pills and left." Grace said.

"I'm sure she'll be fine." Will said.

"You're right I'm probably over reacting." Grace said.

"How about we call for take out? Chinese?" Will suggested.

"Yeah… I could really go for some 'couldn't kill you to call your mother'." Grace said smiling. Will smiled back.

"Should we get a movie?" Grace asked.

"Sure. I'll get it." Will said.

"I'll call for the take out." Grace said.

Will was standing in the video store trying to decide wether to rent 'Dirty Dancing' or 'Suddenly 30' for Grace when he heard the unmistakably sound of Jack.

"Ohhhh! If I could turn back tiiimmee!" he sang. Will looked over and saw Jack standing across the video store at the musical section.

'I bet it's Cher.' Will thought.

"Jack!" he called. Jack's head snapped up and turned to Will.

"You!" he said. "How dare you interrupt my Cher moment." He came over to Will.

"Where's the missus?" he asked referencing Grace.

"Grace is at home ordering takeout." Will said.

"But it's only Wednesday." Jack said. "You guys have movie/take out night on Friday."

"Jack first of all it's Tuesday and second of all Grace and a fight with Karen at work today." Will explained.

"Was it the hair?"

"No."

"Did she wear orange?"

"No."

"Green?"

"No."

"Red?"

"No."

"Yellow?"  
"No."

"Did she wear feathers?"

"No."

"Did she wear pokadots?"

"No."

"Did she wear fake fur?"

"No."

"Real fur?"

"Jack… no."

"Did she wear stripes?"

"Horizontal or vertical?"

"Vertical?"

"No."

"Horizontal?"

"No."

"Plaid?"

"No."

"Sequins?"

"No."

"Did it have pleats?"

"No."

"OMG! She wore those ugly buckle pilgrim shoes and that ruffle thing didn't she?" Jack asked, his face contorted in horror.

"Yes." Will said. "But that not it."

"Well what is?" Jack asked.

"Karen and her had a fight because Grace asked Karen why she takes so many pills and drinks so much." Will explained.

"Well that's a stupid question." Jack said. "There is no why… she's Karen that's why."

"Do you think Karen drinks too much? Or takes too many pills?"

"No… not for Karen standards." Jack answered simply.

"Grace thinks there's something wrong." Will said.

"She's just being Grace… the ruffles and buckles are going to her head." Jack said.

"Probably." Will said nodding.

"What are you renting?" Jack asked.

"I can't choose between 'Suddenly 30' or 'Dirty Dancing', they're Grace's favourites." Will explained.

"That's… nice." Jack said.

"Stuff it I'm getting both." Will exclaimed as though he'd just made a life altering decision.

"Ok cool. Can I have some money for my Cher?" Jack asked holding out his hand.

"Alright then Jack." Will said.

"Do you know that Cheri is the only female artist credited to having a number 1 single in the 60s, 70s 80s and 90s?" Jack asked.

"And Jack Cher has also had so much plastic surgery no one knows if she's in her 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s." Will said smiling at his own little joke. Jack scowled.

"How dare you insult my Cher! Shame on you, I'd storm out but I need money for my Cher DVD." Jack explained.

They went and paid then left, each going they're separate ways.

Will went back to his apartment and to Grace, they ate and watched their movies together happily. They thought nothing of the 'Karen' issues.

Jack however went home and couldn't concentrate on anything, not even his beloved Cher.

Karen… drinking… something wrong… so many pills… drinks so much… these words whirled around in his head.

'Stupid Will, stupid Grace! Of course there's nothing wrong with Karen. She's fine! And now because of the stupid homo and the stupid fashion impaired crazy I can't concentrate on my beloved Cher.' Jack thought annoyed. Jack decided to turn in early. He wasn't in the mood to hit the clubs and pick up guys. Suddenly Jack was tired and overwhelmed.

'Don't be so stupid…. Karen doesn't have a problem. If she did she'd tell her poodle. Grace and Will are just being dumb.' Jack thought. He turned the volume up on the television and tried to concentrate. Cher was wearing her best outfit of her first tour and she looked… in Jack's opinion… great. But he couldn't concentrate on Cher… his mind was wondering to Karen.

"Will and Grace don't spend as much time with Karen as I do." He reasoned aloud to himself.

"You can't count parties or anytime we're with Will and Grace. You can't count work functions of business deals or anything to do with Stan or the step-brats.'

"It's not like she drinks or takes pills every single day."

"Like the time we went on her boat to that weird little island… no she drank then. But that was for motion sickness."

When we went to see that play… no she took pills all through that.

What about when we went to the step kids school thing… no she took pills during that and afterwards we went to a bar.

Shopping…. No she takes pills and drinks every time we go.

Jack racked his brain for a time Karen was sober and not popping pills.

'Oh God! What if Will and Grace had a point?' he thought. Jack turned off his share DVD and went to bed. Thoughts of Karen her drinking and her pills plagued his brain. Snippets of the time they spent together flashed through his brain.

Jack couldn't think of one time.

Throughout their whole friendship Jack couldn't think of one time that Karen wasn't drinking or using.


	4. Authors Note!

**Hey everyone!**

**I'm really very, very sorry about the lack of updation! But I have severe writer's block, I don't want to send something out that's half assed and crappy so if you guys don't mind waiting till I get my muse back!**

**Thanks, I'll try andfind my muse, she's somewhere I know she is but I seemed to have lost her, I knew that lead was important, if only, if only I'd attached my muse to the lead!**

**lol!**

**Thanks for understanding, I love you guys and I love this story so I'm not going to screw this up!**

**hearts, hugs, kisses and love!**

**JESSA!**

**xoxox!**


End file.
